IM Wars!
by KershaFangs
Summary: Due to a sexual harassment suit filed by Larxene, Axel must talk to prissy whining girls via IMs as a pushiment. On the last however, the most insane and idiotic one comes... Better than sounds [Oneshot]


Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. End of story, well this disclaimer anyways...

Author's Notes: Ok, so here is a completely random thing I came up with while talking with my friend. This is a little hard to read at times, but it's funny anyways. I really just wrote it as a stress releaver from My The Organization's New Recruits story.

P.S I advise you read my other story The Organization's New Recruits before you read this story, but you don't have to... then read my profile about Zephyr then. Trust me, you'll need to to get the joke of the end...

-----------------------------

Axel grumbled softly, sitting down on a computer chair. He opened some files on the desktop of the computer screen and was put at a chatroom of some sort. Demyx looked over Axel's shoulder and asked, "Hey, what cha' doing?"

Axel turned his head and glared at Demyx. "Well remember that time we were telling jokes?"

"Uh huh."

"And then Larxene walked by..."

"Yeah"

"Then we told her the joke and she then filed a sexual harrassment suit against the Organization and forced us into to that sensitivity camp?"

Demyx shuddered at the remembrance of that horrid camp. "Oh yeah..."

"Well I was able to get out a week eariler, but now I gonna do this thing where I talk to hundreds of whining and prissy bitches talking about how their boyfriends cheated on them, how their parents are abusing them, or they are just PMS-ing and they like to bitch about it. Thank KershaFangs, this is the last day I have to do this..."

Suddenly an IM appeared on the screen, it read:

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Neow!_

"Well it seem this 'Dragon Mistress' is the last prissy bitch I have to talk to." Axel said, cracking his knuckles and started typing.

_- PyroChild - says:  
Hi Dragon Mistress, I'm PyroChild!_

_I can't wait to talk to you, but first I'd like get to know you a little._

_May I ask you a few general questions?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I'm crazy!_

Axel stared blankly at the screen. 'This may be harder than I thought...'

_- PyroChild - says:  
Sorry, I need to know if I can ask you some questions first._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Cool! OK, let's get started._

_Do you go to school?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
school is fo' teh fools! I dontneed tha shcooly! i are pretty realllt sramt!_

"Of all the bitches in the world, the last one has to be insane and stupid!"

_- PyroChild - says:  
Huh. That... wasn't the answer I was looking for._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Are you in high school?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No! Why do you what to know? Sicko! Help help! I'm talking to a pedophile online!_

Axel closed his eyes. _'Well it hasn't been the first time I've been called a pedophile...'_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Sorry, you have to answer 'yes' or 'no'._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Cool. What's your favorite class?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Why do you want to know? So you can then find me and do unmentionable things that are 'not legal in the state of Neveda'?_

Axel's eye twicthed. _'This girl is just lucky that I can't cuss on this thing...'_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Sorry, I don't think that was exacly what I wanted to know..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I like pie!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Pie? Great._

_What's your favorite hobby?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
... why? Why do you to know -cries- I don't wanna die... I don't wanna die_

Axel just stared at the screen weirdly. _'Did ths girl think of this in advance?'_

_- PyroChild - says:  
... Just tell me a hobby that you like to do._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I like killing people and eating their hearts!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No! Never! You can't make me! I'm not your daughter! you can't tell me what to do!_

Axel slammed his hands on the desk. "Ok, censors or no censors I can't take it anymore..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
What? Are you on drugs or something?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
What the fuck is your problem? Why did you lock me in your basement and make me play video games for 17 days straight? Actually... that was fun! Lock me in your basement again!_

Axel was gaping at the screen. "Oh... hell... no..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
What? Are you really on drugs? Try to be serious for a minute._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No! Never! Wait... didn't you say that before?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
OK. I'll just ask you again some other time._

_There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?_

_1-Over 17_

_2-13-17_

_3-Under 13_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Help, help! Pedophile! He want to rape me!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Hey I resent that!_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I'm 1,125,737,894,290,584 years old. I'm pretty young for my age though_

Axel banged his head on the keyboard. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid girl!" He sighed and calmly typed:

_- PyroChild - says:  
C'mon, I doubt that. Try again._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
ok... I'm going to tell you the truth..._

"This isn't going to be good..."

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I'm actually a race of ancient elfin dwarf squirrels... I have come to Earth to take over the America, so that my family may finally have some decent cable!_

"And I was right..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
Just tell me your freakin' age so we can move on, you crack head!_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Oh we are still at the age thing? Well, my human age is 12... going to be 13 soon._

_- PyroChild - says:  
Human age? I know you are a human and not that elfin squirrel thing you said._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I said I'm 12 you ass fucker!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Ok you are starting to piss me off right now..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
... 12_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Oh you think you are getting off the chain so easily? You're just lucky I'm being forced to do this..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
12!_

Axel smiled. "Thank KershaFangs she's a minor..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
OK. Just so you know, I can't talk to people who have told me they're under 13._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Wait, did I say I was 12, I mean 24_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Yeah, right..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Seriously! I'm 24!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No kidding?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No kidding! I like to drink and party and go stripping for money!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I'm not into booze, actually._

'Why must I lie like this?' Axel screamed in his mind.

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Chestnuts are lazy and slackers!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I knew you'd end up saying something like that. It's just like a human._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Like a human? I told you! I'm a race of ancient elfin dwarf squirrel!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You got that right. Like a human told me, you're a race of ancient elfin dwarf squirrel._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Seriously? Man... my cover has been blown!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Your cover has been blown? What the hell does that mean?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
mnjkjiodfopdfpasj'psdolfghhkkhhkhkgjgjgjfjldlssghghhgghfjjfjfjfkdkddksllassllslslsslkckdkddkfjfjjfgh!_

Axel stared at the mess that was supposingly words and typed:

_- PyroChild - says:  
What? Were you trying to say something?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I'm playing chopsticks on my keyboard!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
OK. Well good luck playing chopsticks then._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
hgghghghfjjfjffjsdkkdkddksl!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You're an awful typist. Did you sit on your keyboard or something?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
You told my friend that!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I what?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Told my friend, LadyMarz1 you know? Who lives on Pluto?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Interesting. I'm not sure I know her..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes you know! In fact I'm talking to her on the mic! That's how I found you!_

Axel shook his head. Oh, how he remembered LadyMarz1... she was a crazy fan-girl/evil authoress/best friend that stalked Axel and she called his mama fat! "Well at least I can understand how she's so crazy now... but I gotta end this before I go crazy..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
See ya later Dragon Mistress. Good talking to you._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Wait wa? Don't go... I love you_

_- PyroChild - says:  
... Of all the retard things you have said so far, this tops it all..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Seriously, I love you!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You seriously love me, huh?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Ni!_

Axel stared long and hard at what Dragon Mistress typed. _'Huh, she must have tried to type 'No', but hit the 'i' instead of the 'o'.'_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You have no idea? Well get a clue then._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No! Ni means yes in my language of the ancient elfin dwarf squirrel!_

Axel smirked. _'It's time to have some fun..'_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Why not?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
What?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I don't know._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Ni!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No? Come on..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No, Ni!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No idea? You can do better than that._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Ni!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You have no idea? Come on..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No! Nai means no!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No, huh?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Nai!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Yeah? What about Nai?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
OK._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Nai is no, ni is yes!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Uhh..._

_(Service too busy)_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Too busy for me? But.. I thought what we had was special!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Uh, I don't think so, thanks._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
But, last night... in bed... you told me you'll never leave me! We know so much about each other!_

"I better humor her..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
Well, let me see... You're in high school and your favorite class is pie. That's about it._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes so we are totally meant for each other!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
We are totally meant for each other? Really?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I see..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes, we can have all the zip codes we want! Together, we can rule Middle Earth with the One Ring of Marrige!_

Axel's eyes flew open. "What!" he screamed outloud.

_- PyroChild - says:  
What?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Rule over Mankind!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I'm sorry Dragon Mistress, I'm afraid I can't do that._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes... yes you will... for I command it!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Really?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes, for I am the Ryu Kaze no Aruji!_

Axel scratched his head in puzzlement. 'Where have I heard that name before?"

_- PyroChild - says:  
What's that?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
The Wind Dragon Mistress!_

Axel immediately spit out the soup he was eating all over the computer screen, Xemnas was going to kill him for that. "What the fuck? I have been talking to Zephyr? Well that explains a lot of things except she doesn't have a computer! What the fuck?"

_- PyroChild - says:  
Wha? Wait... Wind Dragon Mistress? Zephyr! Is that you? What the fuck?_

Zephyr looked at the computer screen in KershaFangs' sister's room. "Uh... oops.. I didn't expect for this person to know who I was... now who knows me..." Zephyr said. She then began typing:

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Oh... shit... uh... is this an Organization member?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Ya, this is Axel... what the hell are you on KershaFangs' computer? You know she'll kick your ass if she finds you there again. You know she is still pissed off from when you got on and altered her story, The Organization's New Recruits, on chapter 8._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yea, but she is in Clearwater, sleeping over at LadyMarz1's house and she won't be back for like 3 days!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
If you say so..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I'd like to hang you!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Why?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
You know why!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Right..._

Axel leaned on his hand. Now that he knew it was Zephyr, this really wasn't shocking as before. _'I'll just play along with her game...'_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
It's because... I saw you and Tiffany together... in our bed, no less! Why? Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
There are good reasons why, trust me._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
It was Omigomo... he fell in love with me... and by fusing his body with demons, he become Naraku. So he could have me and you killed, Inuyasha! But no matter what he does, I will forever love you!_

Axel just then started laughing. "Oh I got something good..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
Tell you what?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
What?_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I don't know, sorry._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Me either, let's do it!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
That's rather fascinating._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I love you!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
_I love you too.

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I hate you_

_- PyroChild - says:  
It seems to me you just said you loved me._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
But I do!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Uh huh._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
But..._

_- PyroChild - says:  
But?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
I want you dead!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
No kidding?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No, get away!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Oh no?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No, it's my alter-ego!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
I know about Alter Ego. They're a band!_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
No, you retard! Alter-ego is when I love you and want you gutted like a fish! My alter-ego is Kersha Fang, the clone of KershaFangs!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
You don't say..._

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes! That way we must run away!_

_- PyroChild - says:  
Oh really?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Yes! Together we shall raise a PyroMistress family, with little DragonChild running around! Please... I want you ..._

_- PyroChild - says:  
Together we shall raise a PyroMistress family with little DragonChild running around, please you want me? Woah... Zephyr have you been in Xigbar's stash again?_

_Dragon Mistress says:  
... Maybe..._

KershaFangs bursted into the room, and said, "Zephyr great news! LadyMarz1 is going to sleep-over here instead of-" KershaFangs stopped talking when she saw Zephyr on the computer. She ran up Zephyr, with flames in her eyes, and yelled at her in a menacing voice.

"Zephyr! You know you are banned form the computer because you messed up chapter 8 of The Organization's New Recruits! Get your ass out of that chair right now! I said move bitch! Don't make have you lock you in the room of teh uber-doom again!"

Zephyr quickly typed before being grabbed by the neck and dragged away by KershaFangs:

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Oh shizz! I iz gotting to go!_

Axel smirked again. "I knew KershaFangs would find out sooner or later..."

_- PyroChild - says:  
K. S'latron!_

Axel clicked out of the conversation and began to walk out of the room. Right before he left though, he heard a ping sound and on the screen was an IM that read:

_Dragon Mistress says:  
Sorry, I don't speak French._

--------------

Ok, well that was random and pointless. Oh well... Reviews are welcome! Flames will be used to delay my writing.


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